I received a lot of positive feedback about the previous post, Upgrade your Relationships, but many of the comments pointed out that although the concept was sound it was lacking in practical advice on how to begin making these changes.

As a follow-on from the original post, I wanted to share with you some of the best ideas and techniques that I am aware of, which can be applied to your life now to help you follow this process.

1. Acceptance

The first vital change to make is a change in perspective - In all your relationships, including the one with yourself, you must practise acceptance, and accepting the other person completely for who they are, not who you would want them to be.

This means accepting their good points and their bad points - both are equally valid parts of who that person is, and they would not be the same if one were missing. Genuine acceptance is seeing someone as whole - seeing their good and bad sides, and realizing that they are more than the sum of their parts.

True acceptance is seeing others without judgment. You attach no labels, no conditions or opinions to that person; you simply see them as who they are - perfect, whole and complete.

2. Tell the Truth

Truth elevates relationships, falsehood damages them. When you intentionally keep the truth from someone, even yourself, you are devaluing the worth of both parties - you are subconsciously saying “we cannot deal with this”, meaning either the facts of the concealment, or the expected consequences of the truth.

Telling the truth is a conscious choice - Even when the truth may have difficult or painful consequences. By sharing the truth consciously, you are affirming that the people involved are both worthy of hearing the truth and can handle it. Even when the truth is hard, sharing it strengthens the relationship.

3. Take Responsibility

All the relationships in your life, whether you sought them out or inherited them, are your responsibility. How you treat that relationship, as a pleasure or a chore, is completely down to you - the condition of that relationship is directly related to the way you see it and the energy you put into it.

For each relationship in your life, take some time to think, and consider whether you are putting everything you could into it. Are you taking responsibility? Are you putting in the effort that relationship is worth?

Taking responsibility for your relationships sometimes means having to let go - of your expectations of the other person, and sometimes the relationship itself. I’ve consciously released several friendships over the years, not because anything went wrong, but simply because the relationship wasn’t a good fit for me anymore.

4. Understand the Plus

Following on from taking responsibility, is understanding what you get from a particular relationship. It might be something simple, like companionship or shared interests, or it could be quite complex - a particular challenge for you to overcome. No matter what the relationship, there should always be a tangible benefit you derive from it - a plus, even if it is often hard to find.

I believe that every relationship, even the difficult ones, holds a benefit for us - Something that soothes our spirit, brings us joy, or helps us grow. You can come to appreciate your relationships better by finding that benefit, and in doing so your relationship becomes less transactional, and more transformational.

5. Nonresistance

Nonresistance is the next level up to acceptance - Once you can accept someone as complete, you stop resisting who they are, the next step is to stop resisting what happens between you. This isn’t the same as simply giving up and not getting involved, it’s more consciously allowing what happens to happen.

Wanting to be “in control” is a pervasive and destructive impulse that a lot of people cling to in their relationships - trying to make things go the way they want it. Trying to control their relationships is the main way people resist what is happening - it’s an outlook based in fear, which, like concealing the truth, devalues the worth of both parties. Overcoming the need to control is the main part of nonresistance, and can have a substantial positive impact on the quality of your relationships.

6. Synergy

By practicing acceptance, responsibility and nonresistance with those around you, you will experience a deepening of those relationships as a clear space begins to develop around the relationship. This space allows all parties to be themselves, without fear or judgment.

The bigger the size of that space, the more creativity and playfulness can emerge as a result - The people involved can bring their individuality, strengths and inventiveness to bear, and can express themselves more freely. This cultivates synergy - that interdependent creative force which becomes more than the sum of it’s parts, more than what individuals alone can create.

Synergy cannot be made, it has to grow of it’s own accord. The most important task for you in the synergistic process is ensuring you create space for synergy to grow, by allowing everyone to be themselves and bring the best of who they are to the endeavor.

7. Listen Fully

Listening is a distinct art in the world of communication - one that many of us overestimate our skill with. We all like to think we are great listeners, when all we are really good at is making the noises and gestures that make it seem like we are listening.

True listening is more than just having your ears open and hearing what is said, it’s about allowing the other person to have the space to express themselves, and then paying attention - with your whole self. When you align yourself completely with what that person is communicating, you notice more, you understand more and the other person will mirror that alignment. Your communication deepens from just words into full rapport, where deep meaning and important ideas can be shared much more openly and effectively.

8. Build Integrity

Integrity means “wholeness” or a sense of being complete, and congruent. Your personal integrity is your ability to walk your talk, and your ability to do the things you say you will. Stephen Covey describes personal integrity as your ability to make and keep promises.

Integrity is what we do, what we say, and what we say we do
Don Galer

If people perceive you as saying one thing, and doing another it damages your reputation and how you are seen. If you are asked to do things, and you don’t - not only do you damage your own integrity, but you devalue the other person - your choice says that you don’t value what they have asked you for.

By building your integrity within the sphere of your relationships, you will be reinforcing who you are and what you do. You will not only feel better about who you are, but your relationships will gain a deeper measure of shared trust and responsibility.

9. Cherish their Uniqueness

Like understanding the plus (#4 - above), no matter who your relationship is with, there is something unique, valuable and wonderful about that person. It might be a sense of humor, a confidence or a kind way of speaking - it could be an intangible, heady mixture of character traits that result in a special, but hard-to-define fabulousness.

Make a commitment, now, to discover the uniqueness of all the people you know - Find it, celebrate it, cherish it. In doing so, you affirm to that person their worth and value to you and to others - a precious gift beyond measure, which honors the giver.

10. Look above and beyond

The true depth of many relationships becomes most apparent when there is a sense of connection between the people involved. This could be through intimacy with a partner, through your family or through a sense of teamwork or camaraderie with colleagues or the people you play sports with.

A lot of the time, that sense of connection is fairly obvious - you love your partner or your family, and you enjoy playing for your team. When you start to become more conscious of your relationships, it becomes possible to look beyond the obvious, and start seeing further connections with the people around you.

You might see that you and your colleagues outside your immediate department share a common mission of making the company a great place to work, and a successful business.

You might see that your neighbours are united with you in wanting a safe, clean environment for your street.

When next you are interacting with someone, be it a store clerk, a colleague or an old friend - Try to look above and beyond to see what connections there are between you. When you start to see how deeply interconnected we all are, you will start relating to people in a different, more considerate and more honourable way.

***

Since writing the original Upgrade your Relationships post, I have really been making an effort to apply these techniques to my life, and cannot recommend this practise more highly.

Consciously changing the way you interact with other people is one of the most transformational activities you can undertake - the benefits are far-reaching, profound and deeply humbling.

This isn’t a change anyone can force you to implement - your relationships are your responsibility alone. The only person who can make these things happen is you.

Do you want mediocre relationships, which are fundamentally limited in depth and joy they can offer? Or do you want vibrant, fulfilling relationships which challenge, nurture and inspire you?

It’s your choice…

Do you see people, yourself included, as individuals? As members of society? As family or friends, strangers or lovers? How do you relate to other people?

We all have variety of different ways in which we see and define our relationships with other people, and with ourselves. Some common ways of how we identify with other people are:

• Seeing people as better or worse than us
• Defining people by the roles they carry out - Lover, daughter, friend, enemy
• Judging people by their beliefs (and how they agree or disagree with our own)
• Comparisons of worth through status symbols and social standing

All relationships, including those we have with ourselves, are strongly influenced by our own unique viewpoint - the opinions and beliefs we hold about each other. One of the most important factors in ensuring successful, open communication is understanding the way we see people, and how our opinions and ideas about them can affect what we’re trying to say and how it is received.

Aspects of a Person

As we build a relationship with someone, we gradually cultivate and come to believe in a broad range of interpretations about that person. Except in extreme cases, none of the ways mentioned above are particularly exclusive - our identification with others is most often down to a combination of factors - ideas, beliefs and opinions we hold, which I tend to refer to as aspects of a person.

Typical aspects of a person, which help or hinder how we relate to them:

• How we feel about them - Do we love or hate this person? (Or ourself?)
• Our opinions of the roles they carry out - We might be proud of them for being a good father, annoyed at someone for being a lousy employee or happy someone is our friend.
• Religious Beliefs or Political Alignment - Let’s not go there!
• Perceived Social Status - Do they have greater or lesser standing than our own?
• Wealth (or lack thereof) - Who has the most?
• Qualities we admire - Courage, discipline, a caring nature…
• Flaws we dislike - Hogging the remote, atrocious driving, personal hygiene issues…

In learning to understand how relationships are built, I started to use the term aspects because it is neither positive or negative - Even with people we are very physically or emotionally close to, the concepts we hold about them are rarely exclusively positive - there are often negative opinions which colour how we see them, if only on occasion.

Most perception is projection - we often like or dislike in others what we most like or dislike in ourselves. Commonly, the deciding factor in whether a relationship between ourself and another, and how positive or negative it is, is how well the aspects of the other person match the self-held beliefs and aspects of ourselves.

Dwelling on the Flaws

Without conscious awareness, it’s all to easy to dwell on the negative aspects of a relationship

In most person-to-person relationships, the aspects and ideas we each hold about the other are going to be a selection of positive and negative. We may love our sibling, but dislike the way they borrow our stuff. We may struggle to relate to our boss, but admire the way they handle problems.

Unfortunately, unless there is some measure of conscious awareness in how we identify with other people, it is all too easy for us to dwell on the negative aspects of a relationship. The partner we adore becomes an ogre when they don’t let us get our own way… The boss we respect becomes a tyrant when they give you more work than you want… The pleasant waiter becomes an incompetent when the food is wrong, or delivered cold.

In times like this, a single aspect about someone overshadows the rest - which may all be predominantly positive - that one decision or action, no matter how short-term, can temporarily drown out all the happy, loving, positive parts of that relationship. When we see others only as a collection of aspects, then it is easy for us to allow just one of those aspects to become dominant.

This tendency is especially prevalent when we know very little about someone - We’re much more geared up to focus upon the negative aspects of strangers than we are the positive. How often do your criticize the driving of other people on the road? How often have you ever thought “Wow, that person is an excellent, courteous driver?” Yeah, me neither…

For some of us, entire relationships can become centered around a particular flaw, or negative aspect. This is what happens when we hate people - we have selected one aspect of who they are and turned that single fact into our entire definition of them. In some cases, perhaps involving violence or abuse, the nature of that negative aspect means that intense dislike or even hate is morally justified, but more often than not it is some small perception about another that has grown out of all proportion.

Persecution of others, because of religion, nationality or class, is at the extreme end of this spectrum. Over and over in our history, those in power have singled out one aspect of a group of people - their religious beliefs, where they were born or the color of their skin - and because they see it as a negative, they have used it as excuse to dispossess, torture and execute those people - committing atrocities in the name of one single aspect of that group.

The Whole-Person Paradigm

In order to transcend this limiting way of seeing and relating to others, we need to learn see other people as more than just a collection of aspects - we need to see above and beyond our facts and opinions of them and see them as whole and complete human beings.

This is not about changing things about other people, it’s about changing things about ourselves. We have to learn to monitor how we think about other people, and to correct ourselves when we realize we are thinking about aspects, not about people.

The best way to begin is by paying closer attention to how you talk about and think about others - start to notice the words you use, and what you’re focusing on. When you become more familiar with paying attention to what you’re thinking, you can start to look beyond it and see what judgments and beliefs are affecting what you’re thinking. You will begin to understand at a very personal level how your relationships are affected by the way you identify with others, and you will be able to look deeper and see people as who they really are.

This simple change is difficult for a lot of people because it involves having to let-go of deeply entrenched judgments and beginning to accept others, and ourselves for who we truly are. For those of us who are strongly attached to our opinions of others, this can be quite painful or shameful - If those beliefs we had about someone caused us to treat them poorly or unfairly, it can be a tough process to release those opinions and accept that person as more than just what we thought.

The value of this making change cannot be easily explained - At a low level it is simply about noticing how you think, and trying to be a bit more relaxed and open-minded. At a higher level, this change can achieve a quantum leap forward in your relationships with others, bringing greater strength, depth and clarity to your ability to relate to other people.

Unless we’re unlucky enough to be permanently locked away in a box somewhere, or have the social-appeal of a saliva-flecked serial killer, most of us will probably interact with a fair number of other people on any normal given day.

Often, those interactions will begin with a “Hello” or “Hi”, and quite frequently “How are you?”

How do you respond when someone asks how you are?

Do you take a moment for a considered answer? Do you trot out some rote phrase? Do you snap out a few quick words based on your emotional state at the time?

For years, I had two responses to this questions: “I’m getting there” and “Soldiering on in the face of adversity” Both of which I thought were fairly positive and encouraging, without being too Pollyanna. I felt like I wanted to be upbeat, but in a subtle, British sort-of-way. Despite airing these phrases whenever I was asked, I never really elicited any meaningful reactions… And I don’t suppose I ever expected that I would.

About 6 months ago, someone caught me on a particularly good day… I’d either solved a huge problem, or was enjoying the fruits of a creative venture, when they asked me this question… And my response was an instant, resounding “I’m fabulous. How are you?”

Talk about a difference in response - Instead of the usual rueful smirk, or nod of the head, I got a huge smile in return and a heartfelt “I’m really good. Thanks.”

I realized instantly that I was onto something, and began using “I’m fabulous” as my response any time anyone asked after me. From then on I seemed to be moving through a much happier universe… everyone was much better and more positive than they had been before.

I loved it, and have been using “fabulous” as one of my favorite words ever since. I might use “moderately fabulous” if asked in a business setting, or by someone in a bad mood. I tend to be fabulous from about 5:02 AM until about 11PM at night.

Try Being Fabulous…

This is such an insanely simple but powerful change, I cannot recommend it enough…

Next time someone asks how you are, respond instantly with “I’m fabulous” or “I’m having a fabulous day”, don’t even think about it. Then, when the fabulousness has had a chance to sink in, watch how this changes the dynamic of your conversation - instantly, you’re both on a more positive footing. It’s great!

Try it today… Start right now to respond with fabulousness and verve. It doesn’t even have to be true… By saying it you start to make it true!

Go on, be fabulous… I dare you!

Bonus Tip: For those readers who are into Facebook, Twitter or other social networking sites, why not go there now and change your status to “I’m fabulous, how are you?” It will take seconds, but you’ll feel better I guarantee!

There are many different aspects involved in setting and keeping goals, and in building positive new habits - one of the most important I think is having some visible way to track your progress.

Our chosen goals and desired changes can often become lost in the myriad demands on our time, and without a consistent system for openly monitoring our day-to-day progress, we are restricting our ability to successfully stick to a our plans.

Whilst there are lots of possibilities for intelligently tracking progress towards an objective - weight charts for the dieters, savings graphs for financially astute - I regularly tackle goals that warrant tracking a daily or few-times-a-week occurrence.

If you’re trying to give up smoking, manage your spending, meditate daily or visit the gym 3 times a week - an invaluable tool to help you establish your habit is a visual tracker that allows you to cross-off/mark/star the days when you have successfully achieved your aim.

Over the last few years, I have experimented with various different systems for monitoring my daily habit changes - Joes Goals is a very popular online system, and is completely free; I’ve also tried the Goal Pro software, which I didn’t get on so well with. My preferred type of tool is a tangible paper-based system - I’ve toyed with the Ben Franklin Hack from Zen Habits and have created more than a few different versions of my own tracker worksheet.

Once I began to play around with these systems, discovering what worked and what sucked - I was able to figure out what my ideal solution was going to do for me, and how it needed to work. Eventually my system evolved into the tracker I use now, every single day, and which I highly recommend.

Daily Habit Tracking with the Compact Calendar Hack

The Compact Calendar is a visual calendar planning system, invented by Dave Seah (a very clever chap). His original idea was to use the Calendar for planning in meetings - enabling users to visually map out blocks of work and to plan resources. I originally downloaded the calendar to do just this, but found I hadn’t really needed to use them as intended - the printed copies I had were hanging around unused.

It was then I realized that the simplicity and elegance of the Compact Calendar layout lent itself wonderfully to a Daily Progress Tracking system - I could mark the days with a sticker, a square, circle or whatever (or some complicated notation system) and I had a huge space on the right to add notes, ideas, mini-mind-maps, feedback and comments where needed.

I started with playing with the system the next day, and found it had everything I needed, and was so simple and easy-to-use that it just worked.

Now, for every new change I am trying to make, or new goal I am trying to reach, I create a Compact Calendar Daily Tracker - I write a motivating title for my goal, write down the important notes and caveats which are relevant to my goal (visit gym for at least 30 minutes, don’t buy chocolate, drink lots of water) and I’m done - My goal is set, the rules are laid out and I have a customized daily tracker where I can mark my progress as I go.

As far as tracking your goals is concerned, it doesn’t get much easier.

Notes and Suggestions

• This tracker system works really well for well-thought-out, objective goals, where you can be damn sure about whether you achieved it or not. I know exactly whether I got up on time or not, or if I ate chocolate or not - make sure the criteria for a successful tick are crystal clear.
• If you’re starting a tracker part-way through the year, you can minimize the negative impact of a big blank unsuccessful space at the start of the year by coloring it in, outlining it or writing over the top of it.
• Don’t be put off by the visual impact of a whole year on one page - if you’re tackling a 30-day challenge or tackling a short-term goal just draw an outline round the designated time period and forget about the rest.
• There are no rules for using this system really - You can write whatever you want on the right, and fill-in the boxes on the left in whatever way floats your boat at the time.
• Get creative! - Use your worksheet as a chance to get really creative and fun. Achieving your goals is supposed to be a challenging, but enjoyable process - make filling in your worksheet enjoyable too! Use bright colours, squares, squiggles, mini-diagrams, sketches of yourself… Whatever works!

Habit Tracker Gallery

Below are some scanned worksheets that I have been working on since the beginning of the year, showing progress towards some of my current goals.

Blank tracker Worksheet	Blogging Worksheet 2008	Exercise Worksheet 2008

Somewhat of a mystical place for most, it surely conjures up in the mind a vision of somewhere wholly peaceful and pleasureable, a unique place, special to each of us in so many ways.

So, where do we find this much talked about place, where we can escape the trials and tribulations of everyday life.

Fact or fiction, its certainly not a place you can get up and go and visit, although there are some inspiring and relaxing  places that you can.

In essence, what we are really looking for is purely in the realms of the mind - a semi spiritual haven - where we can mentally and emotionally feel safe and secure, and allow our minds to find their natural balance.

Finding your nirvana, essentially then is finding your own inner space,where complete mental and physical relaxation is possible.

The benefical effects of deep relaxation are numerous, and are well documented in whatever field of health and wellbeing you study.

Key benefits of Relaxation in brief

• First and foremost is the endorphin release - which are the feel good chemicals that can be released by the brain when relaxing.
• It allows your breathing to return to normal, which helps recharge your batteries and gain renewed vigor.
• Relaxation helps relieve tension build up, and enables you to regain your composure.
• Can ease those nagging aches and pains, which we all seem to suffer from time to time.

In short, your ability to totally relax is something  really worthwhile developing, and I cannot stress this enough.

I believe the correct mental approach is essential, when trying to access your inner calm. The thought of it being an extremely positive and rewarding experience should be reinforced mentally, every time you settle into relaxation.

You can effectively relax almost anywhere you please, but paying attention to your surroundings helps a great deal.

Some better Relaxation pointers

• Correct mental approach - Refresh those positive, feel good thoughts before you settle.
• The right music is a great mood enhancer - find your taste, choose carefully, and make your relaxation even more enjoyable and rewarding.
• Somewhere relatively quiet and free from any annoying irritations would be prefered.
• In between meals is the ideal time.
• Some of the yoga “asanas” are great postures to develop, to aid your personal relaxation experience.

To conclude,”anything”we try to do, not just relaxation is a lot more likely to succeed, if its approached with the right mental approach and feeling.

“nirvana” happy hunting,

Rob

Perfectionism - A propensity for being displeased with anything that is not perfect or does not meet extremely high standards.

I’m sure there are many fields where perfectionism, or the striving for perfection is a positive focus - Two good friends of mine are both top photographers, and I consider them to be evangelists of perfection - they are willing to spend huge amounts of time, money, creativity and effort in pursuit of that perfect image - and judging from their work, it pays off. Photography is a creative discipline, and in any creative business where the end result has to be exact, a certain measure of perfectionism is expected (or you might not get another job).

In the majority of work and home life though, a desire for perfection hampers more than it helps - your “perfect” home gets sullied by your slightly untidy friends, so you don’t invite them round (and miss out on their company); your “perfect” report took a day longer than needed (your boss wonders what else you should have been doing); your search for the “perfect” partner leaves you lonely on Valentines Day (your sisters handsome-ish boyfriend gave her a diamond).

Striving for perfection can suck a lot of the joy out of life, and wastes time that could be better spent on other things. Perfectionism seems a worthy ideal on the surface, but it is an insidious influence - one quite often working on us subconsciously, and almost always to our detriment.

Some time ago, whilst pursuing various aspects of personal growth, I began to realize my own drive for perfectionism in several areas of my life - As I began to deepen my understanding of how it negatively affected me, I wanted to find a simple way to combat this aberrant behaviour, and found it in the solution I now want to share with you.

Identify your Perfection Triggers

The first step in beating this tendency is in starting to become aware of the psychological and environmental factors which trigger your perfectionism. This won’t happen overnight, but once you can begin to spot when your desire for perfection is being triggered, you can activate the next step outlined below.

Possible perfectionism triggers:

• Work projects for valuable clients
• Anything related to a possible appraisal or pay review
• Housework or home improvements for a picky partner
• Buying a gift for someone
• Thinking “That’s not good enough for me!”
• Thinking “They are not good enough for me!”

There are a huge range of perfectionism triggers, and we will all have different ones derived from what we individually consider important - Perfectionism triggers are a uniquely personal thing, even though there are many that are common and more socially prevalent.

When you scratch beneath the surface of these possibilities, it becomes clear that they all have a common foundation - that we have been conditioned in some way to see the potential outcome or result of this effort as directly impacting upon to our sense of self-worth.

What this means is that we often strive for perfectionism on projects or areas of our life which we deem as important for our sense of self-worth, i.e. how we perceive ourselves, or how we are perceived by others. Perfectionism then is a tool or belief used to protect us from the negative consequences of a particular course of action, when those consequences will have a negative impact upon us.

Once you start becoming consciously aware of what triggers your perfectionism urges, you are in a position to be able to act upon them. You can decide differently. You can work out what the best course of action is, and carry it out. You can bypass perfectionism, and concentrate on production.

Go Ugly Early!

I came across this term via my friend Geoff, and its origin was as a simple rule for, err, increasing one’s chances of “friendly” company when one is out on the town (you’re an adult, I’m sure you can figure it out).

Despite the charm (or lack thereof) of this phrase, it is an easy rule to remember, and works to combat the desire for perfectionism. If I know I am fiddling with the details of something, rather than simply finishing it off… I say this to myself (smile) and crack on with getting it out of the door.

“Go Ugly Early” isn’t the most politically-correct phrase (it works for me though, and reminds me not to take things too seriously), so a more socially-acceptable alternative might be:

A good result today is better than a perfect result tomorrow…

What’s important about these phrases is not the particular words they use, but the image or internal representation they conjure up. It should instantly trigger a more positive feeling that whatever was driving you towards perfectionism - it should help you move yourself away from focusing on your desired “perfect” end result, and back towards something which is equally acceptable but is suitable and usable now.

These phrases are geared towards a practical strategy for handling a perfectionist tendency, but more importantly the key thing to do to is to consciously remind ourselves that our self-worth is not at stake as much as we believe, and that it is ok to be human and imperfect.

Perfectionism can be a blight on our daily lives. Through being more aware of how we judge our self-worth by what we do and by keeping an eye out for our perfection triggers - we can spot where we are putting ourselves under pressure to be perfect. From there it is a simple step to redirect our energy into a less perfect, but more suitable outcome.

This is a slightly wordy post on the subject of Personal Finance, and is the start of a tough personal journey from slight financial chaos to financial order and harmony - what I like to think of as Financial Mastery.

Personal Finance is an area that all of us, no matter what age, race or gender have to deal with. It’s an area of life that is often ignored or shunned for being too complicated, too unwieldy to manage or simply too depressing - an area where a lack of organization, lack of understanding, procrastination and disorder can have soul-destroying consequences. Despite an abundance of information and products on the market, it frequently seems like there is bewildering array of information to take in, countless decisions to make and occasionally very difficult truths to face.

Despite having read a lot of this information over the years, I am still in a financial situation that I am not happy with - I have more debt than I feel comfortable with, my spending is often a little haphazard and unplanned, and my savings are not what they should be for a man in my position. I have been through many ups-and-downs over the years and I’ve never really settled into a sustainable financial equilibrium for more than a few months at a time. Don’t get me wrong - I’m sure that compared to some I am in financial paradise, but for myself I have had enough and have decided to do something about it.

And as well as doing something positive about my financial situation, I am going to be blogging about the lessons I’m learning so others can follow along and hopefully gain something on the way.

Facing the Facts

The first step for me has been accepting the fact that my finances are not in the condition I would like. As I said above - I spend a bit more than I should, owe more than I should and haven’t saved as much as I perhaps should. I try not to berate myself with “should’s” too much, as they are not positive statements, but in this case I have had to recognize that I am not in the position I wish to be.

No matter where you are on your financial journey, the first step is always to accept where you stand - You can’t plan the best path to get somewhere, if you don’t understand where you are right now. I didn’t particularly like doing this, but it was a necessary step to take.

At this point, I don’t want to worry about a Net Worth Statement (where you work out exactly what you have as assets and liabilities) - I don’t believe that for me it is the right first step, although for some extreme debtors it’s crucial. I fully intend to prepare a Net Worth Statement, and will more than likely write about it, but for now the most important thing to consider is my relationship with money.

A Relationship with Money

I believe that understanding your relationship with money is far more important than the specifics of how much you have coming in, what you pay out and where you spend your money. These things all have a critical bearing on financial security, but they can take time to make a positive impact upon - the one place you can effect real change right now, today, is to begin to understand how you feel about the role of money in your life.

I began by asking myself these questions:

• Do I like money?
• Do I feel comfortable spending money?
• How do I see money within the framework of my life?
• How do I rate my ability to earn money?
• How important is earning money to me in a social sense?
• Do I see myself as being rich or being poor?
• Do I constantly think about money (or lack thereof)?
• What would I do if I suddenly had all the money I wished for?
• What would having lots of money bring me?

As I worked through these questions, and others like them, I began to build up a picture of my relationship with money. I started to realize that I saw money, and more specifically spending money, as a route to instant gratification - If I was down and I had money to spend on something that would brighten my day, I would. If I was very down and wanted something big to cheer myself up, I’d spend money I didn’t have to brighten my day.

I also realized that to me money was a valuable, tangible social status symbol - due to having very low self-esteem for a long time, earning more money than some of my friends gave me an ego-boost; I could “impress” my friends by spending money on dinner, or treating people to nights out or gifts. Spending money helped me fit in socially, as I fervently believed at the time that I was worthless if I didn’t have money.

Finally, I realized that I didn’t feel like I had to work particularly hard to earn money - I work as computer programmer which, as well as being something I enjoy immensely, is quite a well-paid field. I have always worked hard, but it never felt like back-breaking sacrifice so I didn’t value the end result of that effort as much.

Putting everything together, its clear to see that my financial attitude for a lot of my life has been “easy come, easy go.” I could earn money fairly easily, and without undue stress, so I felt justified in spending it just as easily, with no conscious regard for the consequences.

All these findings have really galvanized m desire to improve my financial situation, but the real catalyst is my changing personal situation - I have recently moved in with my girlfriend, and I want to ensure my financial situation allows us to live out the future we have planned.

A Clear Path Forward

Having built up a better picture of my relationship with money, now and in the past, I am in a position to blaze a trail forward which is more in keeping with how I would like my finances to be run. I have identified several key steps that I can begin working on now to improve my financial situation, starting today. Looking at the list, you may see some areas for improvement yourself.

1. Effectively managed spending - I am going to start tracking my spending as of now. I have created a simple form for the week, which I can fill in on a daily basis with all the expenses and expenditures that I have as I go through the week. I have also included a section for notes, where I can track the details of the day - if I’m feeling happy or down, whether it was a friends birthday that caused me to splurge, or whether I had to shell out to repair a broken window.
2. Understanding my outgoings - After my incidental spending, the next main area of financial management is to list out and understand my frequent outgoings. Start with the big, important ones like your mortgage and loans, and then gradually work your way down to the smaller ones. Make sure to check your internet banking and bank statements to identify the small ones and the infrequent ones - I got caught out with my breakdown cover renewal, which only comes out annually.
3. Understand my Debts and Liabilities - On the back of a list of my monthly outgoings, I can see where my debts are and what I spend on them in a typical month. By doing a little research I can mark against each debt the projected rate of interest, to help clarify exactly what my debt liability is, and how effective or ineffective my payments against that debt are.

There are dozens of other ideas and tools you can use to help you make financial decisions and understand your situation better - some people would advise you do far more research than I have done before you embark on a financial revamp. I however, am a big advocate of the Ready-Fire-Aim approach, and realized that money was going to be spent and outgoings would leave my bank account, whether I was aware and in charge or not. I’d far rather get stuck in and make some simple changes now, with plenty of time to learn more and make improvements as time goes on, than let more of my money slip away without my knowing.

This is the start of my Quest - I understand my relationship with money better, and have identified some useful practical steps to move forward. It didn’t take hours, it doesn’t involve a calculator and doesn’t require a degree in accountancy. Just a simple shift in perspective, a little bit of positive action and I can go to bed tonight knowing I am making a genuine different to my quality of life.

I shall be following up this post over the coming months, with the lessons I’m learning as I go along. I plan on sharing any information that I think is relevant, and any tips I am implementing to make a definite impact. This is a challenging journey that I am embarking upon, and I know that by sharing what I am experiencing and what I am learning, that I will be more accountable and more motivated.
If you have any recommendations on websites, ideas or financial tips, please share them in the comments.

30 Days to Success - This is one of Steve Pavlinas most popular articles, and gives a powerful technique for experiencing success by committing to a 30 Day Challenge of daily activity geared around trialling or conditioning a new habit. An absolute must-read.

Discipline is an Illusion - Zen habits blogger Leo Babauta recommends avoiding the trap of relying on self-discipline to achieve things - His idea is to find great ways of motivating yourself instead.

Habitual Mastery - Scott Young shares a series of posts on creating, implementing and sustaining new habits of success. he touches on areas such as conditioning new habits, and experimenting with new possible habits.

The Secret Habit to Success - Leo proposes a challenge to help you create new positive habits, with the first one being the process of establishing those habits.

Turning Habits into Goals -A final post, again from Zen Habits is about changing your new habits in relation to your goals. Consistent daily habits are a great way to reach a goal you’ve set, and this post will help you start that path.

I am a huge fan of Flickr, a photo-sharing website owned by Yahoo. Although there are lots of alternatives out there, I find Flickr the most consistently easy to use - combine this with a thriving, creative community and Flickr is clearly a favourite among this type of site.

As well as just sharing your own photo content, I find Flickr to be really useful for discovering fabulous inspirational images on a host of different subjects - hobbies, art, architecture to name a few - I’ve never failed to find an image no matter how bizarre the search terms (though there is some really weird stuff on there).

This post is about finding organizing inspiration via Flickr - and I have had a good browse through the site to find some great examples of organizing mojo, visually documented by the community.

• A Beautiful Bookshelf - Truly a pinnacle of semi-obsessed organizing, this is a very photogenic bookshelf that only true bibliophiles might aspire to. This image has done the rounds of the social network scene, and has become very popular.
• The Pretty Organized Group - Exactly what it says on the tin - A Flickr Group dedicated to showing inspiring exmaples of organizing, in the home, at work, wherever.
• Unclutterer Workspaces - A sideline of the very smart Unclutterer blog, this is a Flickr group for people sharing images of their highly organized workspaces. If you want a tidier desk, you could do wore than to browse this gallery for inspiration.
• Organized Collection - Another organizing group, this time dedicated to collections of things. If you’re a collector of any kind, then this could be a great place to check out for storage ideas.
• What’s in my bag? - This was a very popular Flickr meme for a while, prompting people to photograph and post what they were carrying in their bag on a regular basis. This is full of ideas, interesting and (slightly) voyeuristic - always worth a look!

For those of us who are into productivity techniques, personal workflow systems, GTD, notebooks and note-making, there are even more fabulous links to look through.

• Moleskine Notebooks - I am a huge lover of Moleskine notebooks, and Flickr has some fantastic images of how people organize, store and use their notebooks. See also the Moleskinerie Flickr group.
• Jazzmasterson - Undoubtedly my favourite Flickr user, with some truly jaw-dropping personal management concepts and systems - Getting Things Done with Index Cards and External Memory being the top two.
• The Slip Method - Although this organizing/productivity technique is a little complex compared to systems like GTD, I love browsing through these images for ideas and inspiration on managing my own paper workflow better.
• Time-Management Analogue style - Dave Gray of Xplane has done a wonderful shot of a personal workflow notebook, with a really clever idea for tagging your pages and marking your to-do lists. This idea was originally conceived by Bill Westerman.
• DIYPlanner - A great gallery for planner nerds, with some really clever ideas and suggestions to get more from your ubertool.
• Pile of Index Cards - yes, I love ‘em. If they helped you as much as me, you’d love ‘em too. This is a small but very interestinggroup about the Pile of Index Cards methodology.

If you use Flickr, feel free to add me as a contact - If you come across any organizing images that you think are interesting or noteworthy please forward them on.

This is the first post in a new series called Success Mastery, which is all about changing the way you see success in order to experience more of it on a day to day basis (see Redefining the Path of Success for more information).

This post outlines one of my favorite strategies for experiencing success more frequently - Getting a Win in!

At it’s most basic, this strategy is about increasing motivation and the feelings of success whenever you are starting something new - an exercise program, a new day, a work project, a blog… Anything new that you want to focus your efforts upon.

When you are starting your new venture, even if it is just a new day - look around, and find something small you can do immediately, that moves you towards your end result. This is your “win” - a small but positive action you’ve taken to achieve your objective.

This process works quickly and easily, for 3 reasons:

1. You have achieved something tangible towards your goal
2. You have experienced a small measure of success
3. You have built momentum behind your positive action

Just a small “win” early on in a venture can have a massive positive impact on your motivation - you’ve already started and been successful, so you will subconsciously want to take the next step (as long as that is fairly small too).

Here are some possible “wins” that might help you build the momentum of success:

• When starting a new day, get some exercise in straight away, even if it’s just a few stretches before you get dressed
• When starting a new project,work on a simple one paragraph definition of what you want to achieve
• When quitting smoking, make passing up those first 5 cigarettes your immediate goal for the day
• If you’re trying to get organized - pick just one drawer to start on
• If you want to write a book, start with a single page
• If you want to lose weight, start by binning all your temptations
• If you want to drink more water, simple grab a glass and slurp away!
• If you want to meet someone new, focus on starting to smile at potentially desirable dates
• To beat procrastination, just start working for 5 minutes, then celebrate!

If you’re starting something new, don’t underestimate the psychological benefits of taking even a very small positive action - a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.